He works for good in everything...

Last week was pretty tricky to say the least. I cannot think of a succession of days where I have had to rely on God so much. Wednesday bought about the horrific news that Annie had died. The tragedy completely challenged me and made me look to God and rely on God in a new way. I would have called Annie my friend, although I did not know her half as well as many people. I would have liked to know her better. Seeing the devastation that the event caused, and the enormous amount of people affected by her death you can safely say that she was a truly incredible person. She made me laugh a lot especially when I saw her on Friday's at LIFE. It didn't matter that I did not know her because she was always smiling so you felt you knew her anyway. For me it was the first time that I had experienced death like this. I have had deaths in the family etc. but I was young and was not directly affected by them. I cannot remember them that well. But Annie I remember. Annie I knew. It was a huge shock to me and put everything into perspective. It made me cry. It hurt. It hurt me how unfair it seemed and it hurt me to see everyone so devastated. It made me question God. The first thing I could think about was "why?" Why Annie? Why now? Why would you let this happen? Why?

I haven't found any answers to those questions. Instead I've found a whole new depth to my relationship with God. A relationship not based on the answered questions and the seen miracles, but a relationship based on the unanswerable and the unseen. A relationship that knows one things for sure: God is God.
When God prompted Moses he asked why him? why now? He also asked who God was. God's answer was "I AM who I AM... you are to say...I Am has sent me to you." I am. The alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. There is no category for God. He just is who he is. We can't alter him, he's unchangeable, intangible and mysterious. He works in ways I cannot understand. I cannot understand why Annie was killed. No one can answer my whys. But there is one thing I know. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28. This verse has meant something completely different in my life this past week. I've had to put all of my strength into trusting God, relying on him, and believing this verse. I've needed to embrace the answers I do know and I've needed to let go of the questions unanswered.

Many good things have come out of this past week for me though.
I have felt the power of community - I have known how powerful it is to share someones tears.
I have learnt to trust God in EVERY circumstance.
I have been challenged to choose to worship, really worship - not just to sing the lyrics when I feel like it but to mean them and sing them even in troubled times.
I have known and seen God as the comforter.
I have known and seen the effect of his great peace.
I have felt God with us so powerfully.
I have been reminded that we have hope
I have learnt to see the bigger picture.

So reflecting on this week, well, it's been a bit of a blur. It's hurt, it's stung. It's seemed unjust and unfair. But God has been there. Something my Grandad said has really helped me this week and writing this has reminded me of it. "We cannot always understand his will but we will always rest under the shelter of his wing." God has been there for me and for many others in a whole new way this week. I want to be on fire for him. I choose to follow him no matter what. I choose to trust him. I choose to have faith in the creator of the universe - the one who made me, the one who holds time in his hands. The one who works for good in everything...